yang terakhir

It's 3 a.m
I just finished setup and arranging few thing for this house.
There's an event tomorrow.
A funeral for my late grandmother.
She just gone..infront of her grandchildren, daughters, daughters-in-law.
Me? I just finished setting up transport for bring her to hospital before i heard havoc from the bedroom.

My cousin -The Health Officer (HO) has announced and confirmed grandma's death.

Walau itu yang kami doakan untuknya tapi hati seakan tak percaya tadi malam yang terakhir, "wan nak air?" soalan terakhir aku padanya.

Semoga roh wan dicucuri rahmat oleh Allah s.w.t dan beroleh syafaat rasulullah.

16 March / 14 jamidilakhir
12.01 pagi

kerana lapar

Fine! Next time before pergi interview isikan perut secukup rasa. Tadi aku g interview kat The Boulevard,  dalam emel tulis approximately 30minutes.. So aku plan makan sikit2 je la nanti sakit perut lak.

Orang kata kerja yang pakai otak lagi banyak guna tenaga dari jerja pakai otot.

Dengan HR still steady even tersasul gak BM tu.. Masa tunggu manager datang untuk interview perut da bunyi mintak makanan..then masa manager start potpet kepala aku da pening. And lastly I told that manager "better for me to not take this job" sebab aku dah tak boleh nak bagi respon kat soklan2 dia..otak tak ley nk kerja da weh..stuckedit.. Blank.. Blurred.

stay strong

sometimes aku malas nak bawa/teman orang ke hospital, nak melawat pun perasaannya macam tu gak-malas. Is not about aku takut darah, mual dengan bau ubat, takut dijangkiti penyakit dan alasan2 normal/biasa tapi hanya kerana yang satu ni, AKU TAKNAK DENGAR PERKARA YANG BUAT AKU SEDIH.

Harini aku bawa atok pergi hospital lagi-semalam pon ada appoiment ngan doktor- after several hour ( standard govt) jumpa tak sampai 10 minit (yang semalam <5 minit), the doctor asked me to wait because she want talk something with me.

"you know what your grandfather's condition?" she asked me and I said "yes, I knew it"............. she told me just for clarify things "bila masanya tiba iaitu keaadan datuk awak macam yang saya cakap tadi, ubat2 tu semua dah tak berguna, bawa ke hospital pun kami tak boleh buat apa2..let your other family know..."

"when the time comes, kamu kena terima dan redha".

Sometimes aku fikir, we should not come to hospital when reach certain age, let thing happen naturally without have worry about it.

masa terakhir

Mungkinkah tahun ni tahun kesedihan aku? Just talked with my father,  dia cakap nenek aku hayatnya mungkin lagi kurang dari jangkaan doktor.

When a men really love someone,  he would cry for that person.

At this moment,  aku sanggup tak kerja just for take care about a person who raised me up sampai la nafas terakhirnya.

dear bidadari

Kenapa ambil berat, kenapa care(peduli) sangat, kenapa mesra macam rapat, kenapa selalu dahulukannya, kenapa selalu melebih-lebihkannya? Kenapa? Dan kenapa?

Sebab.. Tak semua orang boleh ucapkan sayang dan diterima. Dan tak bermakna cinta itu harus memiliki.

We're friends and for me its far better. Saling feel happy to each other with no heart feeling. Bak kata afgan "jika aku bukan jalanmu, ku berhenti dari mengharapkanmu. Jika aku memang tercipta untukmu, jodoh pasti bertemu.. "
Harini dia ditimpa kedukaan, aku lak dapat berita yang menceriakan
menceriakan..tiba-tiba,
Bila lah jodoh nak bertemu ni..ehh!?? :P

I feel

Sejak wan (nenek) been warded, kalau bicara tentang kerjaya, hati ni rasa macam takde mood lak..or maybe I don't have time to think about it...deeply. Tak pasti kenapa dan sejak bila tapi masa awal2 wan hospitalized aku rasa macam aku aktif lagi apply sana sini. Boleh katakan hari2 ak bukak laman2 web carian pekerjaan dan hantar resume.

I'll never give up tapi mungkin perlukan cheerleaders untuk build up enthusiasm yang da kurang sekarang ni.

Orang perasan ILY tu susah nak dengar dari aku..tapi cara aku-percakapan dan perbuatan beritahu apa yang tak terucap tu. Setakat taip kat blog boleh nampak lagi la sayang2 tu.. Out there memang kena tunggu la lau nak dengar..hehe.

You heard someone who you love got cancer and it's already at stage 4..what do you feel?

February entry

People says  :
Semalam
adalah kenangan, Harini adalah kehidupan,dan Esok adalah ketentuan.

I wanna stop talking about the past and try to work out with what I've today to make myself better for tomorrow.

Enough for the luxurious moments in life, relaxing life as student,  and happy time as children /teenagers.

As time changing I'm not a cute-adorable boy anymore. My time as teenagers also ended 2years ago.

It's time to facing life brutally. But as a Muslim, Allah is everything.